Английский юмор

The fairy replies, "Surely you will have heard of Fairy Nuff." (= Fair enough.)

(62) Once upon a time a mother skunk had two children named "In" and "Out". They were very active children and whenever In was in, Out was out. When Out was in, In was out.

One day when Out was in and In was out, the mother skunk said "Out, go out and find In and tell In to come in." Out went out to find In to bring In back in. Within a minute, Out came back in from going out and Out brought In right back in.

Amazed, the mother skunk said, "Out, you just went out to find In and brought In right back in! How did you do it?"

To this, Out replied "Instinct!" (= In stinked.)

(63) In London, one man to another: 
A: "You know, my daughter has married an Irishman." 
B: "Oh, really?" 
A: "No, O'Reilly."

(64) A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and asks for a pint for himself and a half pint for Tiny, his lizard.

The barman looks a little taken aback but serves him and Tiny. Finally, curiosity gets the better of him.

Barman: Why do you call him Tiny?

Man: Because he's my newt. It pays to be prepared to teach newt, lizard and minute afterwards, but expect a few groans as the penny drops!

(65) Once upon a time, somewhere in Europe, a family with three sons lived on a farm. As the farm was too small to support all of them, and the parents were not yet ready to retire, the sons decided to emigrate to South America, where they bought a ranch and raised beef cattle.

Question: So what did they call their ranch?

Answer: They called it "Focus", because that's where the sun's rays meet. (= Sons raise meat.)

(66) Three brothers started a cattle ranch out west. They were very successful, but could not agree what to call their ranch. They finally agreed to wire their father back east and abide by his decision. He replied at once they should call it "focus". They did so, but now argued endlessly about why he had given them that name. They sent him another wire to ask why that name. He replied, "Simple, because focus is where the sun's rays meet." (= Sons raise meat.)

(67) A: How do you like your new job at the cemetery? 
B: I quit after a week. I found the work too frustrating. 
A: What happened? 
B: No matter what I said to the customers, they were always dead right!

(68) There were two spies escaping from the enemy over the Alps into neutral Switzerland during the war. As they began to feel safe, one spy starts to tell the other what he found out in enemy territory. The other tells him to speak quietly.

"Why?" his friend asks a little perplexed. "There's nobody around for miles. I could scream and not a soul would hear us up here...!"

"Ah," replied the other, "haven't you heard? There are mountain ears?" (= Mountaineers.)

(69) A: Did you hear about the guy with the corduroy pillow? 
B: No, I didn't. 
A: Really? It made headlines!

 http://www.correctenglish.ru/humor/jokes/puns/3/

(70) Hello are you there?  
- Yes, who are you, please?  
- Watt  
- What’s your name?  
- What’s my name.  
- Yes, what is your name?  
- My name is John Watt.  
- John what?  
- Yes.  
- ???? I’ll call you again.  
- All right. Are you Jones?  
- No, I’m Knott.  
- Will you tell me your name then?  
- Will Knott.  
- Why not?  
- My name’s Knott.  
- Not what?  
- Not Watt, Knott!  
- What…

(71) In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes. 

(72) «Atheism is a non-prophet institution»

(73) «Did you hear about the little moron who strained himself while running into the screen door?» 

http://www.english-with-vera.ru/2011/04/english-humour/

(74) Uncle William has a new cedar chest». «So? Last time I saw him he just had a wooden leg».

(75) The new under-secretary to the colonies! Onslow appointed! Hum! Did business go very fast? That we must get On-slow?

(76) Mine is a long and a sad tale! Said the Mouse... It is a long tail, certainly", said Alice... "but why do you call it sad?"

(77) We called him Tortoise because he taught us"

 

2.3. Афоризмы

(78) The good life, as I conceive it, is a happy life. I do not mean that if you are good you will be happy - I mean that if you are happy you will be good. 

(79) Believe that life is worth living, and your belief will help create the fact.

(80) Husband: what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

(81) Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it.

(82) Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

(83) A fool can no more see his own folly than he can see his ears.

(84) The conviction of the rich that the poor are happy is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.

(85) When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness... I was right.

(86) An enemy is anyone who tells the truth about you.

(87) Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action.

(88) My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I"m happy. I can"t figure it out. What am I doing right? 

(89) Money is the fruit of evil as often as the root of it.

(90) Wealth is not his that has it, but his who enjoys it.

(91) He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals.

(92) Happiness? That"s nothing more than health and a poor memory. 

(93) Fools grow without watering.

(94) Artists are on the average less happy than men of science.

(95) There is no little enemy.

(96) There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.

(97) Truth is a deep kindness that teaches us to be content in our everyday life and share with the people the same happiness.

(98) There is no device whatever to be invented for securing happiness without industry, economy, and virtue.

(99) Let others praise ancient times; I am glad that I was born in these.

(100) A well-written life is almost as rare as a well-spent one.

(101) The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. 

(102) Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

(103) You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

(104) Anger is a vulgar passion directed to vulgar ends, and it always sinks to the level of its object.

(105) Не does not possess wealth that allows it to possess him.

(106) Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

(107) The only really happy folk are married women and single men.

(108) It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere.

(109) Money often costs too much.

(110) Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men.

(111) Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.

(112) One must eat to live, and not live to eat. 

(113) To fill the hour - that is happiness.

(114) Let us be thankful for the fools; but for them the rest of us could not succeed.

(115) We are never so happy nor so unhappy as we imagine. Francois De La Rochefoucauld 

2.4. Черный юмор

(116) Knitting with Dog Hair: Better a Sweater from a Dog You Know and Love Than from a Sheep You’ll Never Meet 

(117) Enjoy Your Chameleon – Насладитесь своим хамелеоном.

(118) New Guinea Tapeworms and Jewish Grandmothers: Tales of Parasites and People .

(119) What To Say When You Talk To Yourself .

(120) A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.  
His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"  
Oh, no: I never found her head. 

(121) What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night? 
Crib death. 

(122) Where do you find a dog with no legs? 
Right where you left it. 

(123) What has two legs and bleeds profusely? 
Half a cat.

(124) What's red and orange and looks good on hippies? 
Fire. 

(125) Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.  
The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."  
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"  
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead." 

(126) Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son. The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?" The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14." 

(127) Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.  
One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".  
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

(128) There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women. 
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course. 
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her. 

(129) Q: How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? 
A: One, but you have to throw it really hard.

(130) Q. What's worse than ten dead babies in a barrel? 
A. One dead baby in ten barrels. 

(131) Q: Why did the baby cross the road? 
A: It was stapled to the chicken.

(132) Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree? 
A: Because it was dead.

(133) Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree? 
A: Because it was stapled to the koala.

(134) Q: Why did the tree fall over? 
A: The koala never let go.

(135) Q: Why did the kangaroo die? 
A: Because the koala landed on it.

(136) What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?Art.

(137) What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a boiling pot?Stu.

(138) What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs hammered into a piece of wood?Peg.

(139) How do you get a goth out of a tree?Cut the rope.

(140) Q: Why do women wear makeup and perfume? 
A: Because they're ugly and they stink.

(141) what's the difference between a train carriage and a miscarriage 
you cant eat a train carriage

(142) what do you call a black asian man with aids 
coondiesoon

(143) nock knock 
whos there  
Cancer!

(144) what did the deaf dumb blind kid get for christmas 
a pinball machine

(145) How did the nun lose her virginity 
she was raped

(146) What do you call 1000 black people running down a hill 
mudslide

(147) What is the difference between dead hookers and onions? 
i cry when i cut up onions

(148)When do you know when a dates going bad 
When you spike your own drink with rahypnol (rape pill)

(149) What do you call a cow masturbating 
beef strokin' off

(150) Whats black and blue and scared of me 
the 8 year old in my closet

http://forum.hyeclub.com/showthread.php/110-WARNING-Sick-jokes.-Do-not-read-if-you-can-t-handle!