Английский юмор

2.1. Анекдоты

(1) A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

(2) US Attorney General John Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After fifteen minutes speaking he says: 'I will now answer any questions you have.' Bobby stands up and says: 'I have four questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties? 4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq?

Just then the bell goes and the kids rushed out to play. Upon returning, Mr Ashcroft said: "I am sorry we were interrupted. I will answer any questions you have.' A little girl called Julie stands up and says: 'I have six questions':

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? 2. Why haven't you caught Osama bin Laden? 3. Why are you using the American Patriot Act to limit civil liberties? 4. Where are the weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? 5. Why did the bell ring twenty minutes early? 6. Where is Bobby?

(3) The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

(4) Should you have any questions during the exam, just raise your hand. This should cause enough blood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself.

(5) On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

(6) The little darlings were all in their seats on the first day of school and their new teacher introduced herself. She wrote on the board that her name is Ms. Prussy and the day passed without any further incidents.

The next morning after greeting the class she asked if anyone remembered her name and little johnny waved frantically. The teacher taken by his enthusiasm called on him. In a timid voice he said "Miss Crunt?"

(7) What do you do if a blond throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.

(8) What do you get when you cross a blonde with an ape?

A retarded ape.

(9) It was about a month ago when a Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his Priest. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWll, I hid a Jewish man in my attic." "Well," answered the Priest, "That's no a sin." "But I made him pay me 20 gulden for each week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question." "What is it son." "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"

(10) One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying. Her friend begged her to share what was wrong. "Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"

(11) If you cloned Henry IV, would he be Henry V, or Henry IV Part II?

(12) Why did Cleopatra take milk baths?

She couldn't find a cow tall enough for a shower.

(13) Three guys are in a plane, lost in fog, and they don't know where they are. The first guy says "I'll find out" and puts his arm out the plane, then brings it back in and says "We're just over Paris" "How do you know" ask the others "Well I've just felt the top of the Eiffel tower." Later on the second guy tries and says "We just flew over London" "How?" asks the others "Well I've just felt the top of Big Ben" Still later on the last guy tries it, puts his arm out the plane, and says to the others "We have j

(14) Australia. Where men are real men And sheep are scared shitless

And where the term 'Going Down Under' means something entirely different

(15) One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub. Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug. ?“Fuck me?” shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table. ?“What the fuck are you doing that for??” says Smartie. ?“That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see him, so I?’m hiding from him?” says Polo. ?“You should stand up to him?” says Smartie. ?“He?’ll respect you more if you do?” Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap. ?“Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I?’ll knock the fucking shit out of you?” says Polo. ?“Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink?” says Humbug. ?“Told you so?” says Smartie. The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when in walks Humbug with his mate, Tune. ?“Fuck me?” shouts Polo again diving under the table. ?“What the fuck are you doing that for again?” says Smartie. ?“I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune?” says Polo. ?“So what??” says Smartie. ?“He?’s fucking menthol?” says Polo.

(16) What is the difference between Michael Jackson and greyhound racing?

The greyhounds wait for the hares to come out

(17) Schwarzenegger has a big one, Michael J. Fox has a small one, Madonna doesn't have one, The POPE has one but doesn't use it, Clinton uses his all the time, Mickey Mouse has an unusual one, George Burns' was hot, Liberace NEVER used his on women, Jerry Seinfeld is very very proud of his, We never saw Lucy use Desi's what is it?

A last name....... Were you thinking of something else?

(18) A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma. "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck you everytime!"

(19) THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DOGS AND CATS A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!

(20) A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got any fresh fruit?" "No." "Got any fresh vegetables?" "No. We have only canned and dry goods."

The next day, the duck returns. "Got any fresh fruit?" "No." "Got any fresh vegetables?" "No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."

On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?" "No." "Got any fresh fruit?"

(21) A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

(22) This bloke was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water. "That's ridiculous!" he shouted at the pool manager. "Everybody does it, you know." "That may be so," came the reply, "but usually not from the diving board."

(23) A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says, "Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass."

The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin, "You know, you're right!"

(24) An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

(25) A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."

The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

(26) I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different cars, take separate vacations, work different shifts, have their own computers, and even have their own ISPs, separate e-mail addresses and Home Pages. They say they're doing everything they can to keep their marriage together.

(27) A son comes to his dad and says: - Dad, i gotta tell you something - Ok, Quick and clear! - 100 bucks

(28) A boy and a girl started quarreling after sitting half an hour with the "Animal world" book: 
-Yes she can! 
-No she can't! 
-Yes she can! 
-No she can't! Let's go and ask granny! 
-Grandma, can you have children? 
-Oh no I can't my dear! 
-I've told u she's a male!

(29) A case for the Third Universal Cardinal Rule of Thumb: Never be absolute, unless absolutely necessary: A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

(30) "Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible."

"If this doesn't work, beat the shark with your stump."

 

(31) Safest Way to Drive

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

(32) What do a meteorologist in a snowstorm and a woman's sex life have in common?

They're both concerned with how many inches and how long it will last.

(33) Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating?

A. Finding half a worm.

(34) What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

(35) What do you call two banana peelings?

A PAIR OF SLIPPERS

(36) "Hey Bill, I heard you can download the whole Tyson-Holyfield fight off the internet". "No kidding? How much memory will it take up?". "Not much, just two Bytes."

(37) Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, th

(38) A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team. Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"

The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but, hell, it feels good!"

(39) The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

(40) A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I am sorry, but my workload is so tremendous that I am not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I shall have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?" "Nothing," replied the man. "I am here to hook up your phone."

(41) Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says:"You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in." The second says:"I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter:"Wash both your hands and go in. Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St.Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks *What's going on? One of them shouts I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there.

http://www.native-english.ru/anecdotes/2895

 

2.2. Каламбуры

(42)The police officer had a fine time with the traffic violator.

 (43) The pain of losing the grizzlies was just unbearable.

 (44) «Why did they hang that picture?»  (45) The professor rapped on his desk and shouted

«Gentlemen, order!» the entire class yelled «Beer!»

(46) If you don’y marry me, Jane, I’ll hang myself on a tree in front of your house!»

(47) «Oh, Johnny, don’t. you know my father hates young men hanging about the house.» 

(48) On a divorce lawyer’s wall: «Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back.»

(49)Three tomatoes are walking down the street, a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. The baby tomato is lagging behind the poppa and momma tomato. The poppa tomato gets mad, goes over to the momma tomato and stamps on him (STAMPS on the ground) and says: "Catch up."

(50) There once was a very large lady in our town. She wore a dress size 16. I knew her when she was young, but she had a much smaller size.

Why do you think she is now wearing a size 16?

I guess she just 8 + 8 (ate and ate).

(51) A man wanting to borrow another man's newspaper asks, "Are you finishe(d)?"

The other man replies, "No, I'm Norwegian."

(52) I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!

All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.

(53) A woman was driving in her car on a narrow road. She was knitting at the same time, so she was driving very slowly.

A man came up from behind and he wanted to pass her. He opened the window and yelled, "Pull over! Pull over!"

The lady yelled back, "No, it's a sweater!"

(54) Two friends meet and one of them says: "I've taught my dog how to speak English!"

"That's impossible", says the other man, "Dogs don't speak!"

"It's true! I'll show you." He turns to his dog, "How's the situation in England?"

The dog answers: "Rough, rough."

(55) One day an English grammar teacher was looking ill.

A student asked, "What's the matter?"

"Tense," answered the teacher, describing how he felt.

The student paused, then continued, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter...?"

(56) Teacher: Rumiko, be careful your purse is open. Someone might take your money! 
Rumiko: Oh, no. I left it open so I can get more money. 
Teacher: How can you get more money? 
Rumiko: The weather report said we would have some change in our weather!

(57) Boyfriend: What is your favorite music group? 
Girlfriend: I love U2! 
Boyfriend: I love you too, but what is your favorite music group?

(58) A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "So what's with the long face?"

(59) I hear this new cemetery is very popular. People are just dying to get in.

(60) One day a man went to see the Mozart's tomb.

When he got there, the tomb was open and Mozart was sitting there tearing up pieces of paper.

The men asked: "What are you doing with all of your great works of music?"

Mozart repied, "I'm decomposing!"

(61) There is this man who meets a fairy. He is granted three wishes. Having wished for his most urgent needs the man uses his third wish to ask the fairy to return and give him three more wishes.

The fairy complies and says: "You can call me whenever you want."

"How can I call you. Please tell me your name." the man says.

"My name is Nuff," says the fairy.

"Well", says the man "That is an odd name. I have never heard of it before."